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Decisions scare me. Badly.
And I never handle it well.
I don't think many people can tie
themselves into a big damned knot
every time they have to make a big
decision. You know what, I'm scared
to death about 'O' level results.
You know whats the worse kind of
big decision to make? The kind that
has only two options and the one
that you choose affects all the people
involved negatively. And you know
what, I just made one of those decisions.
And I am lost. People are angry with
me which is evoking, so far, no reaction
from me because it is absolutely new.
I'm not used to people being angry with
me, not this way. I'm not used to making
people sad or letting people down. So its
unintentional, but it doesn't change the
fact that I did. Its difficult to deal with.
People need me, but I need me. And I
need to stop talking. This isn't helping.
I need to go to church. Talk to God.
Kneel at a pew for an hour. I dunno.
Something.

The first thing I felt like doing,
was tearing the notes up.
The second I felt like doing,
was giving the uniform all back to
them and saying, "you know what,
I changed my mind, thanks to
you guys, and I'm not coming back."

I say no more.

I have been having a headache,
for almost a week. It never goes away,
always in the background. and it
hurts. I'm exhausted. And all I wanna
do now is go for prom and have the
most awesomest time and forget all
the crap thats been hitting me in the face.

I wanna write a book.
I wanna compose a song.
I wanna act in a movie.
I wanna dance in a recital.
I wanna throw everything out the window,
tell everyone goodbye, and sneak out the door.

I am exhausted.
I've been out everday since tuesday,
except thursday. i spent wednesday,
friday, saturday and today shopping.
For the whole day. Yesterday was
an all-day birthday party and
thursday, I spent playing xbox, with a
couple of church people.

You know what, I don't want my
life to change. I don't want to have to
adapt to a JC, to make new friends.
I don't want to have to decide whether
or not I really want to become a CI
and go nuts because my brain can't
settle on one decision. I don't want to
explain myself anymore. I don't want
to have my way of thinking be ridiculed
by my own parents. Yes, its weird,
Yes you probably don't get why anyone
would think like that, but guess what,
I do.

I don't know what I want. Which is why
I can't and don't want to decide. It's like
being told to pick your meal before you've
even decided on a restaurant. Absolutely,
impossible.

This not helping, nothing is.

Everyone has answers to my every question,
but everyone is biased in some way or another.
NP people would want me to go back because
the CCA needs to be saved. My parents
probably don't want me back cos hey, its been
quite obvious that they've never agreed on
any choice I've made regarding NP ever. Zh
wants be to go back to accompany her?
I dunno.

I don't like it when people ask my own questions
back at me.

I've found the things I can't stand.
Repeating myself, explaining myself/ my actions.
Not getting answers.

When both sides are wearing the same armor,
how do you tell them apart? By listening to the
hearts that are in sync with yours.

you know, when I'm feeling sad or happy
or whatever and I wanna talk to someone,
or I just need to talk to someone, I think
of all the people I know, and not a single
name pops into my head. I draw an
immediate blank.

I am pathetic aren't I?

At this moment, right now,
I am conflicted.
There are two things, I need to
think about. One, which has a very
close deadline, and the other, which
fortunately has not presented a
deadline and has no reason to.
I hate decisions, like the big ones.
ARGH. I dunno what to do.

HIATUS IS OVER! haha.
My 'O's officially ended today.
Though I haven't exactly reacted
to that fact yet.
I've permed my hair. HAHA.
It's for prom but gosh it feels WEIRD.
Haha still. I'M GOING SHOPPING
TOMORROW. YAY. For my dress of
course. Ok. I'm out.

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