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New Year's resolutions.
HAHA.
I'll think about it.
I probably will have so many
it'll become impossible.
LOL.
Anyway, I am doomed.
School starts in 3 days!!!!
Sigh

Anyway, ROD is overrrr!!!!
Yay! Probably the first and last camp I
planned for secondary school.
Unless we have to do Unit Camp too?
But I won't be in charge of that.
GOOD.
It's tiring, annoying, STRESSFUL.
As if I don't have enough stress already.
But I am kinda happy I took on the role.
Got that sense of accomplishment you know?
Haha. Well, kind of anyway.

HAHA. I'm back to playing my guitar!!!
I've been playing Little Wonders.
My new favourite song,
even though the song itself isn't new.
But I love it!
I have to capo 4 to sing it properly though.
Now my very un-seasoned fingers are suffering.
SUFFERING.
Pain like dunno what.
But I don't really care.

Sigh, I realised I only ate one piece of pizza
and one chicken wing for dinner.
WELL. I guess that's what happens when
I get too busy. Hmmm.
Good thing I don't binge.
I just don't no matter what.
I ate chicken ): Sigh.
Fine, I haven't been eating that much chicken
So I guess it's okay.
I've been going crazy on salmon.
Smoked, grilled, fried, teriyaki...
Lol. I just love it right now!!
More than cod. I ate too much cod.
Now I don't want to eat it anymore.
Now it's the salmon craze!
Dory fillets are good too.
Sorry, fish-lover going nuts.

I realised fish isn't the most exciting topic.

Hmmm, so far...
Many people have homework at 0%-10%
And many people, don't want to go back to school
HAHA, stupid MOE. We should go overthrow them
Tell them to try living in their own education schemes.
HAHA. I bet they cannot tahan!
Buttttt, as it goes. I'm gonna try to bring my homework
up to 50% mark in the next two days.
If more even better.
Lol.
I'll TRY. TRY.

I'm tired of typing. TIRED.

Labels: life

It's getting a little annoying.
Nevermind.
ROD's tomorrow.
Today I mean since its past 12am.
Damnit, wth am I wearing anywayyyy
Argh. I dunno.
I dunno I dunno!!!!

Labels: life

Everyday I hear sad stories,
About broken hearts and falling apart,
And everyday I pray harder,
That I'd hear some happy endings,

But no, that's not the way things go,
If like poles of magnets try to attract,
And the same puzzle pieces try to attach,
The happily ever afters will stay in the books,
Cos everyone was made to match,
Just only their one other half.

Sometimes I think I try too hard,
Maybe its better if I start from the start,
Stop thinking about all the past,
But how could I since the memories last,

But no, that's not the way things go,
If like poles of magnets try to attract,
And the same puzzle pieces try to attach,
The happily ever afters will stay in the books,
Cos everyone was made to match,
Just only their one other half.

And I once believed in fairytales,
And I wish I didn't cos I since have failed,
In searching for my prince charming,
It really is alarming,

That no, that's not the way things go,
If like poles of magnets try to attract,
And the same puzzle pieces try to attach,
The happily ever afters will stay in the books,
Cos everyone was made to match,
Just only their one other half.

And no, that's not the way things go,
If they do I'll have you know,
I guess we will find it some day,
But now's just not the time to say,
So I'll just keep praying,
For more happy endings...

Labels: life, songs

I've gone totally nuts!
This holidays alone,
I have spent $399.55!!!!
That is crazyyyy.
I spent all my christmas AND birthday money.
But nothing more than that. Thank God.
Crazy crazy crazy.
I bought a top and two bottoms today!
Haha. It's damn nice!
Ok ok, they cost a bomb.
But I guess for it was worth it.
Well it was all money meant to be spent anyway.
Yeap. Haha.

I took the bandage off my finger last night.
It's bent you know!!!
It's really weird!
It might affect my piano playing ):
Sigh. Dunno what to do about it.
Oh wellll.

Argh I don't wanna go back to school!!!!!
I LOVE doing nothing! I rather work
than go to school.

Damnit. School's starting in five days.

Labels: life

I wanna learn how to make blogskins,
I'm tired of searching for skins on
blogskins.com that reflect me.
Most of the time, they only
feel 90% right. Never perfectly
mirroring my emotions.
Sigh. I got some ideas,
but I got no idea how to make any.
Anyone willing to give lessons?
Haha.

Labels: life

Don't go shopping with your parents.
Seriously.
The best looking stuff becomes:
too short/too low cut/too tight/
too blah blah blah.
When in fact, it looks just fine on you
and even your younger sister agrees.
For example, a skirt.
My mum holds it up.
"its too short!"
YEAH, if you wear it at your WAIST!
LOL. Its meant to be worn at your hip.
And everything looks different when
you actually wear it because obviously,
your body isn't a piece of paper.
When you just hold it up to look at it,
its like dressing up a piece of paper.
After you actually try it on and its
perfectly fine, they'll fine SOME reason
that it isn't, just because they probably
can't stand it that you proved them wrong.
To me, as long as I'm not wearing
lingerie out of the house, or skirts
that don't cover your butt,
or tops that show of half your boobs,
its fine!
Geez. That's why even though I love
shopping, shopping with my parents
always makes me frustrated.
And I end up hating it.
I should stick to shopping with my friends.
TOTALLY stress free.
Plus, I get the stuff I want.
I should try shopping by myself.

You know, I think adults are weird.
Ok, I'm only giving opinions based on my parents.
Cos they're the only adults I actually get to observe.
They really kick up a big fuss about small matters.
Create a scene, demand for the manager.
Basically be a difficult customer/guest (at a hotel)
Personally I see it as this.
No one's perfect right? Everyone makes mistakes.
Explain it patiently, Speak in a voice that you
yourself would listen to without getting angry.
I mean whats the use of creating a big hoo-ha?
If you can't do a perfect job, don't expect others to.
Why scold the driver in front just because he's parking
his car a little slowly? Maybe he's new at it!
Give him a chance!
Why demand to see the manager because
you aren't getting perfect service from your waitress?
Maybe she's a trainee! Doesn't everyone
have to start out somewhere? Isn't that how people
gain experience?
Sigh, its exactly the same as scolding a new
born baby for not being able to walk.
Its exactly the same.

I think adults, (ironically) are very childish.
See the politicians? Terrible.
Sigh. Enough ranting. It's not like they're
gonna change anyway.

Labels: life

2008 is coming to an end.
I've got to say though, I'm glad.
If I could write about the most
exciting 6 months of my life,
It'll be June 2008- December 2008.
Never in my life have this many things
happened to me at a shot.
It's been a whirlwind I guess.
Not a year I'd enjoy repeating.
I guess, I've been angry alot.
At myself mostly. I still am in fact.
Ok. I just managed to stop a major rant.

I just ate the most sinful brownie ever!
Argh. Talking about diet.
Somehow or the other. I'm getting full
10-15 minutes into my meal. Which is weird.
Since your body technically doesn't
recognise that you're getting full until
after 20 minutes. You know what that means:
I'm eating less. Interesting. And I can't
eat more either. Cos I'll feel like I wanna puke.
Stupid mind over matter.
Gotta find some way to control it.
I'm doing it subconsciously now.
Sigh. Gotta see a shrink. Yeah, and quick.

Sigh, I think my dad's having a mid-life crisis,
keeps scolding my sisters. Well, it's their fault I guess.
Who'd blame me for wanting to hide in my room?
I guess I don't get scolded often.
I just mostly do my own thing for a few months or so,
Then I slip up, get caught and get scolded.
Then I do my own thing again.
Still, my dad's scolding seems scarier now.
Like he really shouts.
Haha, if he shouted at me I'd shout back.
Then he'd chase me out of the house, then
I'd run to my room, grab some cash and my phone
and THEN let him chase me out.
I'd walk around I guess. If its not too late I'd
call someone. If it gets to night I'll call Glen or Beatrice
and ask them If I can crash at their house for the night.
I guess if I didn't time to grab cash and my phone.
Well, that could be a problem.
Maybe I should carry cash with me all the time then.
Ok. I'm going to sleep,
before I might have to actually act out the scene
I just created.

Labels: life

MERRY CHRISTMAS! :D

It's christmas morning
and I suppose, this year's christmas,
not matter how similar, is still different from
the past years. Feels different in a way,
but I can't pinpoint it.

You know, it's funny how my mind
wants to heal but my heart won't let it?
My mind can reason it out,
give all the reasons why I should feel fine,
But no, my heart just won't let it
get its point across by flooding it
with memories. Good memories.
Lucky for my heart, I only have good memories.

I suppose that physical injuries
are no match for emotional injuries.
To me anyway. I suppose also,
that means I'm in pain most of the time.
The longest period of time I spent
with no pain at all was probably
from last year November to this year
June. Around there anyway.

I'm starting school next week friday.
I'll be sec4.
I don't want to be.
I really don't.

Labels: life

Is it normal,
If I start daydreaming so well that I
can imagine that its real, and reality
seems to cease to exist?

Is it normal,
To be able to convince myself that
the most wrongest things are right?

Is it normal,
To not be able to trust your heart
to make decisions because
it'll come out all wrong?

Is it normal,
To be so governed by your mind,
that it becomes a bad thing?

Is it normal,
To get angry with yourself
more than with anyone else?

Is it normal,
To control mind over matter
so well that it's almost
instantaneous?

Is it normal,
To have your conscience visit you
in your subconscious?

Is it normal,
To read so much into another's words
that you get so far away from the truth
and you end up upsetting yourself?

Is it normal,
To try to forget everything,
but remember everything,
at the same time?

Is it normal,
To be able to control every aspect
of your life, with just your mind?

Is it normal,
To embrace death,
but not have suicidal thoughts?

Is it normal,
To even be asking all these questions?

No, I don't think so.

Labels: life

I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I’ve held so long
(Erase all the pain till it’s gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real
I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

-Somewhere I Belong, Linkin' park

I'm addicted to the song Leave Out All The Rest.
By Linkin' Park. It's the Twilight soundtrack.
It's just beautiful.

MRI today was fine. I don't have a brain problem.
Part of me wishes I did. Then I would have found the
source of my headaches.
Right now I still don't know why I'm having headaches.
Sigh. I'm not anemic. I don't have a brain problem.
What next? Sigh.

It's raining something crazy outside.
I wanna go out there and get drenched.
My parents would really think I'm crazy then.
Oh well.

My sis got scolded something horrid just now.
She was asking for it please.
But it's the worst she was ever scolded.
I think her Macbook and her phone got confiscated.
i don't wanna know though.
My parents were shouting so loud that
I couldn't hear myself think.
Damn difficult to write an essay
when I can't hear myself think.
Especially one titled "Comfort".
Their shouting really wasn't comforting.

Maybe my headaches are purely stress related.
That'll suck. Cos that means it'll never go away.

I'm inspired to dance. Or be an actress.
I'm tired of this academically-focused life.
I don't like it.
I'm really not interested in the stuff they're teaching.
Sigh.
I wanna be an actress.
Lol. Or write a book maybe.

Sigh

Labels: life

I just realised that I talk to myself
more than I talk to anyone else.
Like I talk to my self in my head.
Thats why I can actually be silent for
a really long time, cos technically,
I'm used to having just myself to talk to.
Well, I do it more at home.
Cos there isn't exactly any one of my
family members that I can really talk to.
That means that I've been doing it
way more these past two months or so.
But more often than not, during the
time which I'm talking to myself,
I'm either contradicting myself or
making myself unnecessarily confused
about something. Geez.
That would mean that it'll be much
safer if I was talking to other people.
See. I just did it again. Cos what I've typed,
is really like a conversation in my head,
but less complicated.

You know, I figured out one of the reasons
I'd prefer seeing a therapist or a psychiatrist
rather than a counsellor.
Cousellors try to mother you, give you their
sympathy or whatever. I don't want that.
Therapists and psychiatrists are more business-like.
Makes me feel safer. Dunno why.
Well, thats what I think only. Might be wrong.
Well, before seeing any kind of whatever,
I'd better write up a confidentiality contract.
I don't need any leaks of my personal life to anyone.
ANYONE and EVERYONE.
No one needs to know.
I've probably got more secrets than you can
possibly think of.

I bought a pair of jeans today.
Damn nice pair.
And my wardrobe is exploding.

And you know what, my parents take me too seriously.
I'm starting to hate myself.
That's bad right?
So what comes after hating yourself?

Labels: life

I am seriously starting to doubt my level of sanity.
I'm bored of school, can't wait to finish.
I'm suddenly inspired to be an actress.
I'm gonna read Breaking Dawn again.
I'm starting to get really depressed about
not being able to play the guitar.
I want my stupid finger to heal.
I wanna go out to study.
I gotta stop wanting to cry.
I need to stop talking to myself.
I wanna lose weight.
I hate reality.
I'm tired of facing it.
I gotta figure out some way of controlling my stress level.
I need to stop keeping things in my subconscious,
and bring it out. Although I didn't do that intentionally.
I need to find someone who'll understand.
I need to find my own "Edward Cullen".
I need to stop believing in fairytales.
I should just shut up right now.

Labels: life

Haha. I have been abandoning this blog!
But I have two good reasons.
1. I was overseas.
2. I've been addicted to the Twilight saga. (:
Haha. About the second reason,
It's great okay! Harry Potter is kinda tame
compared to the Twilight saga.
And the fact that its a love story makes it even better.
Haha. Anyway.
About my four day getaway.
Haha. Kota Kinabalu was brilliant.
Please go to my facebook for photos or whatever.
Haha. I took 248 photos. I only uploaded some.
I'm not that crazy. Anyway.
I really wanna type out everything that happened.
but my left hand is really tired.
Yeah. But it was brilliant.
One downside. I ate too much.
Feel like I put on weight.
Ok fine, thats ridiculous.
But I think my mind over matter thing
kicked in again. Cos somehow or the other,
I've ended up not eating lunch the past two days.
Oh well.

On a more serious note though.
My grandma got knocked down by a cyclist this morning.
She's in hospital now. Not really serious but still!
I just want this year to end.
First I get dengue.
Then I miss half my exams.
Then I get heartbroken.
Then I get knocked down by an all-terrain vehicle.
Then I get grounded.
Then my dog dies.
Then my grandma gets knocked down by a cyclist.

This is like marathon hardships.
I can't stand it.
I really can't.
All this happened in a span of less than 3 months.
No wonder I'm having headaches everyday.

One a high note.
Shannen's been discharged.
Miracle? Yes.
The power of prayer.
The doctors told her parents to prepare for the worst.
which is like total memory loss.
And she comes out of the 17 day coma.
And she's fine. Smiling, talking, eating macs.
The doctors said they never saw such a turn around.
I can't believe it either.
No fractures even.
She was hit head on by an All-Terrain Vehicle
She flew and landed on the road.
No fractures.
Unbelieveable.
Well, its comforting to know, that someone up there
was doing something.

Off to another attempt at homework.

Labels: life

Today. I bought 2 more pairs of fbts.
Meaning I have 10 pairs now.
Yes, I know that's crazy.

I bought 6 books in Kinokuniya.
Whattt? I have birthday money left.
I've read one. What I Was by Meg Rosoff.
AND I have no idea what the story was
about. I'll have to read it again.

I'm going for training tomorrow!
Finally, after like 2 1/2 weeks.
That's how long its been since I got knocked down.

I better sleep.
For once, I migt do something productive tomorrow.

Labels: life

I've finally started listening to the people around me.
Well, not all the people. But some.
You know, the cycle I've been talking about?
I broke it. I changed its course.
But the train is fighting to get back on the track.
Unfortunately, it's on a mission to go
straight to a bad ending like always,
And its just yearning to repeat itself over and over again.
So that one day, I may not be able to take it anymore.
But I'm changing that.
I learnt something from my mistakes.
When you've tried so many times,
and gotten the same disappointing results,
It's time to rethink your plan,
and start over again.

I realised, its simple enough,
Once I've got hold of these two aspects of me,
which have been responsible for my mistakes mostly.
1. Feelings
2. Imagination
A terrible combination.
Gives you an illusion of a fairytale,
and leads you straight to your worst nightmare.

Yes, I'm being harsh with myself.
But hey, it's self-inflicted, I'll live with it.
But I do wonder sometimes,
If I'm being a little too dramatic.
A psychiatrist could probably tell me that.
Once and again, I ponder the possibility of consulting one.
No harm really, it might help.
But not a counsellor.
A psychiatrist.

I'm going overseas this friday until tuesday.
At least thats the plan right now.

To the person I was talking to this afternoon,
If I don't want to answer a question, stop asking.
If I'm not telling you something,
It probably has nothing to do with you,
I have a reason for saying everything I say.
And you'll know why I told you,
I was being oblivious to my surroundings,
if you read the paragraph below this one.

Today, my dog died.
we put him to sleep because he was miserable.
He was in pain, and he had no value of life anymore.
He couldn't run, bark, even lifting his head was a chore.
I didn't say goodbye. I didn't follow them to the vet.
I couldn't. It's much easier when you don't see it happen.
It's more like he vanished.
I didn't want to cry.
I didn't want to know what was happening.
I'd rather have the feeling that he vanished.
A story rudely interrupted is sometimes better than to have an end.

I don't know who or what I sound like in this post.
But it isn't my usual rants or reports.
There's just something different about today.
I'm recovering I think, in more ways than just my physical injuries.

Labels: life

This is my favourite poem.
And also the poem I offered during confirmation mass.
Credits to Beatrice :D

Labels: life

I can't deny the fact that I'm sad that I'm
not in Bicol. I'm just sad.
I sent off both advance and main party,
yesterday and today.
Damn, I was sad to see everyone go.
I'm starting to think its my fault.
But I'm not gonna explain why here.
Seriously too long a story.
I've been able to stop myself from thinking
too much lately but somehow,
it's all coming back to me.
I'm starting to daydream again.
Damn, and that's not a good thing.
I've been preventing my
extreme imagination from working as well.
It's difficult. Very. Difficult.
OMG I wish I was in Bicol.
I wanna get back to training!
It'll take my mind off the whole Bicol thing.
Argh.
I really think its my fault.
Not entirely my fault.
But I definitely played some part in
the determining the consequences I'm facing now.
I think I'm angry with myself more
than with anyone else.
Sigh.
I don't wanna think about that.

Oh yeah, I'm confirmed! Photos in Facebook (:

Labels: life

I made a desicion.
I'm gonna stop complaining.
Haha.

Anyway.
I'm just back from pre-confi party.
Which was THE best.
AND.
I'm grounded.
Because I missed my curfew.
Grounded until the end of holidays.
Oh well.
I haven't been grounded for like
7 years.
Amazing.
Well, I will probably go back to not
answering my parents when they scold me.
Gives me less stress.

And I feel like seeing a psychiatrist.
I need some professional answers.
I mean, for (lol) 'mental' issues.

I overheard my parents talking about me.
Too bad they think bathroom walls are soundproof.
The things they think about me are crazy.
But I give up trying to explain the truth.
It's too tiring. And I never get my point across anyway.
I hate being the eldest.
Because they've never handled a teen,
they have no idea how to.
Brilliant.
It'll probably be easier for my sisters.
Lucky them. But I don't hate them or anything.
I mean, it's good, to have one as the guinea pig.
The rest suffer less.
Oh well, good luck to me.
I still have many years of being a teen left.

Labels: life

tHE Conference'08 was ABSOLUTELY,
COMPLETELY worth it. I'd say there was
no better way to prepare for confirmation.
This was it man! I'm totally high off P&W.

I'd say to whoever who missed this year's,
they BETTER come next year.
It's like THE best church event I've ever gone for.
My calves totally hurt.
HAHA.
From all the jumping during P&W!

Well, apart from being high and all that.
This conference really did something for me.
Everything I've been pondering about,
I'm not pondering anymore.
I got all my answers.
And how? I surrendered myself to the
HOLY SPIRIT.
I put my entire self in the hands of GOD,
and I allowed him to guide me completely.
And I got my answers.
I'm not even asking why the answers are
what they are because there's no need!
It's absolute. It makes sense.
It's just right.

I wanted to blog about something else
but I cannot remember.
Been trying to blog about that
something since yesterday.
Maybe God's decided it's better
if I didn't blog about it.
Lol. You never know.

I love L9'08.
I love P&W.
I love GOD.
I love the HOLY SPIRIT.

Over the pass 2 days,
I RECEIVED the POWER.
Enter to worship, depart to serve.
Church of the holy spirit's motto.
That's exactly what I'm going to do.

Holy Spirit Youth.
Hot&Sexy Youth! Lol.

Labels: life

Youth Conference is WORTH IT.
It's inspiring.
I say 'is' because there's still another
day left to go. And I think the message
that they want to put across,
would probably be put across.

Some things that the speakers and
Jarvis was saying, made me think.
Think in a good way.
You know, sometimes my pondering
lands me in very difficult situations.
But this is good thinking.
Reflecting maybe.
And it's really good.
But right now, I wouldn't elaborate on that.

Because, I've got a headache of some sort.
Must be the crazy amount of jumping we did
during praise&worship.
it's really tiring to sing and jump
at the same time. Especially when the
pitch is really high! HAHA. But tons of fun.

Argh,my head hurts.
I REALLY want to play the pianooo....

Labels: life

You know what?
I shrank!
Lol. People are saying I look smaller.
Which I find pretty hilarious.
Lol.
Maybe my NP skirt got looser.
Damn, I miss training!
I'm trying to will my finger to heal faster.
so MAYBE, I can still do fancy drills.

Labels: life

Lol. My sis has a blog.
I just gave her a life lesson.
If she listens to me too much,
There'll probably be more guys out there
who will kena "tortured"
like someone today.
LOL.
I AM evil. Lol.

Hmmm.
I'm thinking. Again.
Lol. I think I'll consult some people.
Unfortunately, all the people I consult
will have contradicting views.
And of course I have my views.

Lol. I realised paragraphing my posts,
make it less confusing.

11pm is like primetime on MSN.
Everyone comes online then.
Somehow.
And everyone starts talking to me.
Haha. But I'm not complaining.
Its fun.

Lol. I'm going nuts.

Labels: life

I'm back.
Supposedly from homeworking
BUT. I didn't get the tiniest bit of homework
done. My fault? Kinda. HAHA.
I have decided, NOT to blog about what happened.
HAHA. I gotta say though,
it was interesting.
Hmmm. Stagnant.
Stagnant because of, reality.
I think. in that case reality sucks.
I realised that, you probably have no idea
what I'm talking about.
And I guess, that it depends on who you are.

I think that, I'm about to be not such a great kid.
Lol.
I don't whether there's any right or wrong.
I don't think so.
I hope not.
I'm guessing, that my posts are going to sound like this,
for the next few days at least.

Labels: life

I've sorted out my issues.
I think.
I'll leave the past to be the past,
Take the present as its presented,
And leave the future to be unpredictable.
Sounds like a brilliant plan.
And no EMO-ING!
That doesn't solve all my issues.
But it does help.

I'm really being stupid actually.
And I realised there's a lot,
that I've never told anyone.
Well, I don't need to tell everyone everything.
And I'm sure there'll be a time for that
kinda information to be useful.
I realised no one has any idea what I'm
talking about right now.
Nevermind.

ok. I dunno what to say now.

Lol. I'll sleep by 12.30 am.
Make Chadwyn happy.
Lol.

Labels: life

Got an appointment at KK tomorrow.
Yup. To see the orthopedic person.
Check how my finger's doing.
I want them to cast it.
Lol. Cos I think I'm moving it wayyy
more than I'm supposed to.
Sigh. I can't believe I'll be one-handed
for the next 4 weeks.
by the time I go back to school,
I would have forgotten how to use those fingers.
Might not be able to hold anything.
Lol.

Anyway, I AM going out to do homework tomorrow.
YAY. Haha, My mum allowed.
I'm going nuts
but it'll feel great to be away.
YAY.
Ok,officially nuts.
Nevermind.

Pre-confi party is ON! (:
6th Dec, 4pm-11pm
Braddell View Carpark Rooftop.
All HS Lvl9-ers are invited (:

That's all for now.
Maybe there'll be more later.
Who knows?

Labels: life

The vicious cycle has started again!
This time I detected its beginning.
LOL.
Well, I decided I might just break the cycle.
Cos this time, I'm actually thinking logically.
And I just realised no one has any idea
what I'm talking about.
So I'll stop.
I WANNA GO OUT.
But for a very sensible reason.
To do my holiday homework.
I really can't do it at home.
And I'm sick of being stuck at home anyway.
Sigh. BUT.
My parents would probably object to that.
Nevermind, I'll figure it out.
Lunch now.

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