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What happens after
Friday, November 20, 2009
Decisions scare me. Badly. And I never handle it well. I don't think many people can tie themselves into a big damned knot every time they have to make a big decision. You know what, I'm scared to death about 'O' level results. You know whats the worse kind of big decision to make? The kind that has only two options and the one that you choose affects all the people involved negatively. And you know what, I just made one of those decisions. And I am lost. People are angry with me which is evoking, so far, no reaction from me because it is absolutely new. I'm not used to people being angry with me, not this way. I'm not used to making people sad or letting people down. So its unintentional, but it doesn't change the fact that I did. Its difficult to deal with. People need me, but I need me. And I need to stop talking. This isn't helping. I need to go to church. Talk to God. Kneel at a pew for an hour. I dunno. Something. Victoria wasted her time at 9:23:00 PM
I hit it
Monday, November 16, 2009
The first thing I felt like doing, was tearing the notes up. The second I felt like doing, was giving the uniform all back to them and saying, "you know what, I changed my mind, thanks to you guys, and I'm not coming back." I say no more. I have been having a headache, for almost a week. It never goes away, always in the background. and it hurts. I'm exhausted. And all I wanna do now is go for prom and have the most awesomest time and forget all the crap thats been hitting me in the face. I wanna write a book. I wanna compose a song. I wanna act in a movie. I wanna dance in a recital. I wanna throw everything out the window, tell everyone goodbye, and sneak out the door. Victoria wasted her time at 7:28:00 PM
Exhaustion.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
I am exhausted. I've been out everday since tuesday, except thursday. i spent wednesday, friday, saturday and today shopping. For the whole day. Yesterday was an all-day birthday party and thursday, I spent playing xbox, with a couple of church people. You know what, I don't want my life to change. I don't want to have to adapt to a JC, to make new friends. I don't want to have to decide whether or not I really want to become a CI and go nuts because my brain can't settle on one decision. I don't want to explain myself anymore. I don't want to have my way of thinking be ridiculed by my own parents. Yes, its weird, Yes you probably don't get why anyone would think like that, but guess what, I do. I don't know what I want. Which is why I can't and don't want to decide. It's like being told to pick your meal before you've even decided on a restaurant. Absolutely, impossible. This not helping, nothing is. Everyone has answers to my every question, but everyone is biased in some way or another. NP people would want me to go back because the CCA needs to be saved. My parents probably don't want me back cos hey, its been quite obvious that they've never agreed on any choice I've made regarding NP ever. Zh wants be to go back to accompany her? I dunno. I don't like it when people ask my own questions back at me. I've found the things I can't stand. Repeating myself, explaining myself/ my actions. Not getting answers. When both sides are wearing the same armor, how do you tell them apart? By listening to the hearts that are in sync with yours. Victoria wasted her time at 11:31:00 PM
It's backkkk
Thursday, November 12, 2009
you know, when I'm feeling sad or happy or whatever and I wanna talk to someone, or I just need to talk to someone, I think of all the people I know, and not a single name pops into my head. I draw an immediate blank. I am pathetic aren't I? Victoria wasted her time at 11:32:00 PM
Much ado about everything
At this moment, right now, I am conflicted. There are two things, I need to think about. One, which has a very close deadline, and the other, which fortunately has not presented a deadline and has no reason to. I hate decisions, like the big ones. ARGH. I dunno what to do. Victoria wasted her time at 7:32:00 PM
It's OVER.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
HIATUS IS OVER! haha. My 'O's officially ended today. Though I haven't exactly reacted to that fact yet. I've permed my hair. HAHA. It's for prom but gosh it feels WEIRD. Haha still. I'M GOING SHOPPING TOMORROW. YAY. For my dress of course. Ok. I'm out. Victoria wasted her time at 10:54:00 PM
Coming like waves on the shore, inevitable.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
You know, I just typed out a blog post that sounded so emo and angsty that I deleted it. AND I almost slapped myself. Lets just say, I'm about to have a breakdown. Victoria wasted her time at 11:41:00 PM
Graduation.
Friday, October 9, 2009
I graduated from secondary school today. Yup. Honestly I don't know what to say. Four years, over and done. Sigh. I think one of the best parts of today is when my clique planned a surprise belated birthday celebration for me. AH. I LOVE THEM. They're super awesome. AND I officially had my third cake for this birthday. :D They gave me an awesome backpack, which I'm gonna use right away. AND pink and white striped bra and underwear LOL. They're really crazy. And they SIGNED on the underwear! Lol. Anyway, I don't really know what to type about today, I'm too lazy to relate the whole event. And I'm sleepy too. Ahh. Forget it, I'm bored. Labels: life Victoria wasted her time at 10:34:00 PM
Sweet Sixteen
Monday, October 5, 2009
It's my birthday today! My sweet sixteen! I never imagined myself sixteen I always used to see sixteen year olds and go, "Wow, sixteen." Well look, here I am. I had school today...as usual ): My classmates sang me happy birthday in the canteen and made me a makeshift cake. A muffin, with yakult straws as candles. Haha, we're celebrating on friday. After school I went to study in church with Fred and Nick Neo. Then I stopped by Tessa's house to return her her geog tb. We talked for a bit. Then I came home, chionged dinner and went to the clubhouse for my mini-celebration :D It was me, Glen, Beatrice and Justin. Haha, They bought me a mango cheesecake! Haha. It was really great and really dense. AND we finished it. Glen almost puked. It was fun though. and I loved it despite its supposed simplicity, it was great! :D Yesterday, my parents brought me to eat dinner at Angus House, its this steak place in Taka. Actually its like a fine dining place. Like with different cutlery and different courses. There was hors d'oeuvres, it was fish, really good. Then mushroom soup, then a salad with a japanese dressing. Followed by tenderloin steak and finished off with tiramisu. I was absolutely stuffed, as I am right now. I do want to thank everyone who wished me happy birthday or celebrated it with me, no matter how small the celebration because right now, this is a really anxious time for everyone so all efforts are appreciated! :D So, THANK YOU :D Victoria wasted her time at 10:10:00 PM
Its a lost cause, but I'm stuck anyway.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
You know what pisses me off, not getting angry. Why is it that just because I never get angry, there must be something wrong with me when I do? Doesn't everyone get angry?? The last I checked it was completely normal. But no, apparently its abnormal for me. I'm gonna rant about my sister now because I need to. And I couldn't care less if she reads it. In fact, I hope she does. With her its like if she gets angry she expects everyone to accept it and no one is allowed to fault her even if she's wrong. But if my mum, or my dad or I get angry with her she blows up. She starts spouting the most ridiculous rubbish on earth. Like she knocks over my mum's cup of drink and SHE gets angry with my mum. Or my mum scolds her for something that happened between her and my youngest sis and she'll say, "See lah, Nicole getting me into trouble again." AHEM, Nicole's 8, she's 13. I find it hard to believe that Nicole is evil. And she's never given any proof of Nicole's alleged evilness anyway. Every morning my parents have to shout themselves half to death to try and wake her up and that pisses me off. Doesn't she ever think of anyone but herself? She doesn't care that she stresses my parents out so much. my mum packs up her desk and within 2 days, its completely devastated. Her desk is a nightmare. My mum spends hours on it and she can't even keep it clean for a week?? Worse still, she scolds my mum if she can't find something. Everytime she's angry we have to bear with it but the super rare times that I actually get angry, she acts as if I'm not allowed to get angry. She goes like, "What is wrong with you. So grumpy." doesn't sound that bad until you hear it in her tone of voice. Like acid. She's the only one that doesn't care that I hate getting angry and by emphasizing that I am, it makes me more pissed off. She always makes herself the victim. YEAH RIGHT. Most of the time, she's the only one in the wrong. She almost never says she's sorry. She's so quick to defend herself that she's probably lying without knowing it. She gets into a huge fight with my parents and acts completely normal a couple of hours later like she never did anything wrong, she's completely unaffected when everyone else was. She borrows stuff and never gives it back. The other day, I borrowed a stick glue from her and she told me straight off that she didn't know where the cap was, I said ok and tried to use the half dried up glue the best that I could. A couple of days later she comes to me demanding for it, when I give it to her capless, she goes. "Where's the cap!" in a super angry voice. I explain calmly that she gave it to me without. and the next thing she says is the best. "You could have asked for the cap!" I was like blank. Didn't she say she couldn't find it? It made absolutely no sense. Then she went on to say, "See lah, how am I supposed to use it now that its all dried up!" EXCUSE ME, who was the one that lost the cap! See what I mean. Do something wrong, blame everyone else. It makes no sense. I've tried to understand why she's like that. Why she can't see that when she gets angry she's no better than a drunkard, making no sense, blaming the world. And she denies everything. I wanna help her get out of her extreme behavior, its been manifested since she could talk, but its been absolutely impossible. I don't know what to do. And I just hate the way she treats her family. Surprise, surprise, she's an angel to her friends. On another note, I hate it when people get an L1R5 of 10 for prelims and they're upset because it ISN'T A SINGLE DIGIT. Wtf. Labels: life Victoria wasted her time at 8:06:00 PM
Lessons learned
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Catch yourself before you fall, or you're sure to hit the ground. Be cautious in case the road ends, before you expect it. Don't walk off the plank, if you're unsure if there are sharks. Hold on to what you've got, you never know when it might leave. But don't hold on too tight, if not, it will definitely leave. Life without love, isn't a life at all. Someone told me the other day, that depression is merely a form of self-centeredness. I absolutely agree. And stress is merely a socially-acceptable form of a mental illness. Everyone needs someone. Victoria wasted her time at 7:49:00 PM
Blood Promise
Thursday, September 17, 2009
I JUST READ BLOOD PROMISE. Yeah yeah, I gave in. My mum actually suggested that I should read it, so I wouldn't be bugged about it anymore. BUT I'M GOING CRAZY NOW. *warning this post contains spoilers. (don't read this post if you haven't read the book and are planning to) I really really didn't expect all of that stuff. There were two problems going on at the same time. One was Lissa's and of course Rose's. It was absolutely crazy. Its like, it ended then it didn't, the it ended then it didn't! THEN IT ENDED AND THEN IT DIDN'T. Ok, I just sounded crazy. Nevermind. But I'm surprised that I liked the way it turned out. Christian and Lissa broke up, Adrian's gonna seriously try to start dating Rose, and if she agrees to, well, I think I really don't mind. Dimitri isn't dead but he is full-fledged Strigoi and obviously, he's loving it. So the tables have turned, he's hunting Rose down now. To kill her. But they've heard something of a "fairytale" that can turn strigoi back, I mean Rose knows and told Lissa. So the Dimitri problem is very VERY unsolved at the moment. Damn. I HAVE TO WAIT ALMOST A YEAR FOR THE NEXT BOOK. I've never chased a book series before. It's really frustrating. I love Adrian Ivashkov. Dimitri as a Strigoi doesn't stick well with me so as long as he's still one, well I'm an Adrian Ivashkov fan now. CAN'T BELIEVE HE'S NOT DEAD. ARGH. I'm gonna try and put in some serious studying tomorrow. But right now, my brain feels like it's gonna fizzle out. I've read for almost 5 hours straight. It's really exhausting. Labels: life Victoria wasted her time at 10:11:00 PM
Miow
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Prelims are over for me. Yeah, I'm the lucky ass. Lol. Majority of my level still has chem tomorrow and those retaking MT have the prelim on friday. I seriously have to stop watching romance movies. They make me more sad than anything. Still, my favourite movie is still A Cinderella Story. I must have watched it over 20 times already. So the quality's not the best, its a pretty old movie but hey, it gives me a little hope that some fairytales come true. I really need a fairytale. Or a miracle, either's fine. You know what, I just had a thought. I don't think I'd ever find a romantic Singaporean guy. Like sheesh, what kind of a proposal is, "eh, wanna go buy HDB flat?" I'd slap the guy if he said that. Yes, I'm a terrible romantic. But seriously, why aren't guys like that anymore. Ok, maybe some are, but they're a severe minority I think. I'll stop ranting now. But really, is it so much to ask for a guy to be romantic? LOL. Labels: life Victoria wasted her time at 11:37:00 PM
Uhhhh
Monday, September 14, 2009
When you meet people online, what's your first thought? Me I wonder how old they are. Then I wonder where they're from. I'm talking about rpgs so you don't see their faces or their names or whatever. Its really interesting. The best way to get research on youths around the world. I mean they could be lying but they must have gotten their lies from somewhere right? Lol. Like peer pressure or whatever. Imagine being in a semi-chatroom listening to people from the halfway around the world talking about how they do pot and they love it and they drink, and they wish they were drunk. and they take sleeping pills to get high and they're all either presently gay, have been gay or are bi. From where I'm sitting, its interesting. I'm not gonna get into that stuff. (EWW) I mean that's why I see people talk about it, cos I'm never gonna do that stuff. Scary shit. And they aren't all from the same country so its kinda like a wider perspective. Is all that shit fun???? Honestly I find it a BIG turn-off. Not cool. It's slow suicide anyway. I'd rather be called pure and innocent for the rest of my life. I dunno how much of that stuff is done around here. It'll be interesting to find out. But I haven't met a single Singaporean yet. Mostly all from the northern hemisphere. I feel as if I should write an essay now. Damn SBQs, won't leave me alone. Labels: life Victoria wasted her time at 11:00:00 PM
So they sang.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Who's to say, I haven't lost control? There's a good chance, I have. And I hear what they say. No, I am not the best. Stereotyped yes. one piece of good news, expected of the rest. Delusional, they are. Illusions that comfort, but are blind. You tell yourself you'll survive, But you won't. Suppose there was hope. Good. Not many are so lucky. Like myself, for example. Perish evil thoughts! So I may see a clear path. Victory lies beyond the black gates. My head pounds hard, does yours? A piece of mind picked out, too much to fear, ergo you, will fall in failure. Victoria wasted her time at 11:01:00 PM
Army Open House 2009
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Army Open House 2009! HAHA. Yes yes, I went yesterday. With Zhuang Hua, Jiaxuan, Andrea, Rubini, Zakiah, Vivien and Hazwani. It was pretty awesome. We got to climb into the the vehicles and stuff and we watched a simulated terrorist attack, with the tanks and everything, firing blanks of course. But damn, it was LOUD. I think most soldiers go deaf in the end. Gunshots are scarily loud. I really had no idea that they were THAT loud. Anyway, we got to take photos with some soldiers! HAHA. But we didn't get to do the live firing :'( sighh...nevermind, there's always next year :D We saw the SAF Drama and Music people again! The awesome beat boxer, Dharni, who I found out was actually Singapore's rep at a word beat boxing comp. Really amazing stuff. Anyway, I think that if Singapore ever wanted to send anyone to rep our country in singing or whatever, they should send the SAF Drama and Music Company. They're better than the Singapore Idols anyway. Lol. We had dinner after that at Jurong point, during the dinner hour! BIG mistake, it was crazily crowded. But we managed to get a place at Macs. Yeah, then MRT-ed alllll the way home. I reached home around 10. Anyway, that's the most excitement I've had in a while. Gonna crash, waking up early tomorrow. Labels: life Victoria wasted her time at 11:47:00 PM
Blast
Sunday, September 6, 2009
ITS BUGGING ME. Haha, luckily, I've roped in help. *Laughs evily* Sigh, I need to get more help. ALTHOUGH, I've discovered something interesting. But I've told myself not to jump to conclusions cos well, I could be wrong :D HAHA. I've already done a brilliant job in restraining myself from killing him. Labels: life Victoria wasted her time at 10:57:00 PM
na na na
Thursday, September 3, 2009
A quick word! AHHHH. It's so frustrating you know! Sigh but I'm trying my best to keep an open mind, so I won't be like expecting anyone in particular, cos then I could be disappointed. Lol. Anyway, AHHH I've got 5 papers left. A math paper 1 and 2, geog paper 2 , physics paper 1 and 2. Yup. Victoria wasted her time at 11:50:00 PM
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